Renal Agenesis

I probably should have started writing this a long time ago. I've been told that journaling can help, but it just seemed too hard to face it all. I am 33 weeks pregnant. Next week I have an ultrasound to determine whether I will have a c-section that week or not. This baby is going to die no matter what I do. My baby didn't develop kidneys, which means it didn't produce amniotic fluid, which means the baby's lungs did not develop. The best I have to hope for is a few hours with my baby before it dies. Even that scenario is unlikely. I cry all the time, sometimes at the most random moments, like when I am at work. It's hard to care about anything that I normally care about. I have a good job and a promising career. I think about quiting all the time now. I am easily annoyed and don't want to be around a significant portion of the people I work with. I haven't told anyone at work what is going on, except for my boss. In general I am a pretty personal person, and I don't want people to know my personal business at work. Some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and show up. Some days I can push it all deep down and go on like normal. As the death of my baby approaches the normal days are getting further and far inbetween. It all feels so overwhelming, sometimes it feels hard to breath. I feel a constant tension in my head. I don't know how to be happy anymore.